018 - Graceful Words

[00:00:02.780] - Ebony Gilbert

You. Good day, Carri. How are you?

[00:00:07.620] - Carri Richard

I'm Fabulous. How are you, Ebony?

[00:00:09.960] - Ebony Gilbert

I'm Excellent. My name is Ebony Gilbert for everyone who's listening or watching, and I work alongside Carri Richard to talk about Grace every other week. And today we are going to talk about our words, what comes out of our mouth. And I'm pretty excited about that. Carri. Go ahead and introduce yourself so we can jump into this.

[00:00:31.520] - Carri Richard

Can do. Can do. Hello. My name is Carri Richard. I am a mindset coach, and I help people make space and enjoy the ride. And one of my most favorite things to do is talk about this topic. And one of my most favorite people to talk to, period, is Ebony Gilbert. So let's do it.

[00:00:53.790] - Ebony Gilbert

Very kind of you. Thank you, Carri. I am excited about this topic, and I have no idea what we're going to say, which is really kind of an oxymoron because we're talking about watch your mouth. Be careful with your words. And we have not planned our words for this, but I'm excited about it. It's so relevant. The power of our words, the power of what comes out of our mouth. We've all heard the saying life and death is in the power of your tongue. And I think when I hear that, I'm thinking how you speak about yourself in your own situations. That's how I've always interpreted that. And I think if I think a little more broadly, I think it can also apply to how you speak to other people. I know it does not. I think I know it does, but I've never really taken the time to apply that concept. How I interact with other folks or how their words impact me. What do you think?

[00:01:51.220] - Carri Richard

Oh, my gosh. I love this. It's so complimentary because the first thing I think of is the words that come out of my mouth towards others.

[00:02:03.480] - Ebony Gilbert

This is going to be fun.

[00:02:04.830] - Carri Richard

Yeah. And to your point. It's so important to pay attention to the words, how you talk about yourself externally, internally, all of that. Yeah. Yes. And again, no pre planning. The only word that we had was words. So. Yes, you know, there are. It's it's interesting. I just want to start with this. I have I'm getting to work with a copywriter, and, you know, they help. They they will write things kind of in your voice. They're helping with some writing. And so to do that, they need to get to know you. Because they're not writing from their voice. They're writing from your voice. And one of the questions was, are there any words that you don't use? And I was like, oh, yes, there are. I don't use the word but because everything after the but..is BS.

[00:03:17.120] - Ebony Gilbert

Say More. Use it in a sentence.

[00:03:21.120] - Carri Richard

I'd really like to come over, but I need to do the dishes, and I have a lot going on and can you hear the energy shift?

[00:03:34.600] - Ebony Gilbert

How would you prefer that be worded?

[00:03:43.720] - Carri Richard

I wouldn't lead with I really want to come over, but because essentially I'm saying, I'm not coming over, I can't come over today, period, full stop. I have some things at work I need to do. If I say to you, I really want to come over, but I am not owning my decision, I am just (bluhhhh) just laying it all on you.

[00:04:15.460] - Ebony Gilbert

I get it. I thought about it that way.

[00:04:21.460] - Carri Richard

What does Yoda say? Don't try. Do. I don't know how he says it, but yeah, I don't use the word try. I'm either going to do it or I'm not going to do it. Because if I'm trying, I'll try to get to that. I have a really hard time with that statement. I'll try to get to that.

[00:04:44.750] - Ebony Gilbert

Let me ask you, have you always been this decisive about those words, or has this developed over time?

[00:04:51.420] - Carri Richard

The first answer is no, ma'am, I have not always been this decisive. And yeah, it has come over time, probably in the last 1516 years. Yeah.

[00:05:05.590] - Ebony Gilbert

Interesting, because if someone asked me, what words don't I use? It would take me a second. I would only have one. And that's just been in recent years. You typically hear me saying luck. I don't say good luck or good luck with or it was luck because that leads it to chance. And I don't believe much in chance. That's the only word. And that's just happened in the past couple of years. That's not something that just is innately within me, and I still have to be consciously aware of not just saying it. So that's interesting. That's interesting.

[00:05:41.120] - Carri Richard

Yeah. Tell me more about that, about luck, the word luck. Yes.

[00:05:47.680] - Ebony Gilbert

Great question. I know that I have given luck credit for things. When I knew it was grace, when I knew it was God, when I knew it was a miracle, because luck seemed more acceptable, it was more hip, it was less controversial. So I know I've seen myself do it. I've heard other people do it, and depending on the setting, it's even easier to do right. Where I'm like, well, good luck with that, when in fact, what I'm thinking is, fat chance, or whatever, or I said, oh, man, luck of the draw. I got it done. Wasn't luck. It was orchestrated grace. It was predetermined mercy. It was something much bigger than that. And I've seen it so much throughout my healthcare struggles where people would say to me, oh, you were so lucky. And I don't think it's a malicious statement. I don't think there's any ill intent, but I almost feel like I'm sliding the true responsible party for making that thing happen. If it was an appointment that I luckily got into, no, somebody had to move some things around to make that happen. It wasn't luck. It wasn't coincidence. So I've come to feel pretty strongly about what I feel like is not giving due credit to those who deserve it, whether it's me, whether it's someone else, whatever it is, by saying luck, I was lucky to come across a surgeon who agreed to do it.

[00:07:33.880] - Ebony Gilbert

No, I was blessed. I was blessed, and it was pure grace.

[00:07:38.500] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. It's like this layer of indirection, and it can be formed by I don't want to ruffle any feathers. Right. And when we do that, or when I'll speak for myself when I do that, if I put that layer of indirection there to your point, I'm not giving credit where credit is due. I'm also not taking personal responsibility, and God can't bless it any further.

[00:08:14.800] - Ebony Gilbert

I'm right there with you. So that's one of our words. It's definitely one of my words. I want to circle back to how we started, because I was viewing it as how I speak to myself when we say the power of the tongue and life and death is in power. And you were thinking about it, about how you talk to other people. Can you tell me more?

[00:08:41.160] - Carri Richard

Yes, I can. I mean, for me, it's actually easier to do the work. I'm more motivated to clean up my language towards you or towards anybody else than I am. It takes a while to clean up the language in my own mind.

[00:09:09.600] - Ebony Gilbert

Okay.

[00:09:11.200] - Carri Richard

Yeah. I think it's just how it began for me when I kind of woke up to, like, I need to start taking responsibility for my person. And part of that was the words that came into my mouth, and not all of them were nice, and some of them it's interesting. It's the motivation behind some of them. Some of the words. I was kind of vulgar, to be honest. These days, you hear the F bomb being thrown around like it's for emphasis, and it doesn't it doesn't feel good. The only reason I would do that is because I want to be part of, like, I want you to like me, or I want to feel like I'm part of, but really, inside, it's.

[00:10:09.470] - Ebony Gilbert

Not didn't feel good.

[00:10:11.410] - Carri Richard

No, it doesn't feel good. I had somebody point out they're like, you're kind of vulgar. Well, I was in an industry, and this isn't the industry's fault. It's not the group I was in. But to be honest, it was male, mostly men, and I felt like I needed to talk like they do, and not all of them talk that way. Please, whoever if you guys know me, hello. But I actually had somebody pull me aside and said, that doesn't look good on you. And I am forever grateful for that.

[00:10:51.590] - Ebony Gilbert

God bless them.

[00:10:52.880] - Carri Richard

Exactly. Because that takes a lot of courage to do.

[00:10:56.580] - Ebony Gilbert

Oh, yeah. Absolutely.

[00:10:57.890] - Carri Richard

That's another thing about words, this, like, direct communication, when when I am fearful of the response or that they might not like me anymore. But it's something on my heart to say, say, it.

[00:11:13.560] - Ebony Gilbert

Just say it.

[00:11:14.630] - Carri Richard

Yeah, just say it.

[00:11:19.820] - Ebony Gilbert

Interesting. I feel like when I'm talking to other people, I'm very mindful and I'm direct. Anyone who knows me knows I'm very direct, but I'm very mindful of the tone. And it's not always just the word being used. It's the way you deliver it. Right. You can say, Let me give a fruitless example. That outfit looks terrible on you. Or you can say, I don't think that's the look we're going for. It's maybe not the most flattering. I don't have a problem tailoring that to be softer and warmer for someone else. If I'm saying it to myself, the message is, this is bad. This is really bad. Why'd you choose this? You're stupid for even thinking this look good when you it goes to the deepest depths and not we all. That's not a fair statement I think some of us can identify with. You're your biggest critic.

[00:12:19.180] - Carri Richard

Yes.

[00:12:19.650] - Ebony Gilbert

Right. And those words I was saying to myself, they weren't fruitful, they weren't productive, they weren't helpful. And I thought that since I'm thinking it and I'm saying it, it's me. I'm the recipient and the deliverer, that I can control it without it having such a big impact. But when I started to practice switching it, when I started with, Today will be better, instead of waking up and saying, Yesterday sucked, no, today will be better, just that small switch made all the difference over time and sometimes not even a long time. Just the small switch of the words I'm choosing. What's that thing that people say? You catch more flies with sugar than have you heard this before? What is it?

[00:13:03.600] - Carri Richard

Honey than vinegar.

[00:13:05.030] - Ebony Gilbert

Thank you. There it is. Say it again.

[00:13:07.660] - Carri Richard

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar.

[00:13:11.020] - Ebony Gilbert

That yes, that. I didn't know what that meant for many, many years as a kid. Makes total sense now. Total sense now.

[00:13:20.240] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. I love that you started with the internal conversation, because I think that's the most challenging to your point. It's like, oh, it's just inside here. But to ask yourself the question, would you ever say that to anybody else?

[00:13:41.610] - Ebony Gilbert

Never.

[00:13:42.680] - Carri Richard

Right. So so why do we why do we reserve that, you know, or take ourselves out of the equation of kind?

[00:13:52.860] - Ebony Gilbert

Why don't we show ourselves some grace?

[00:13:55.010] - Carri Richard

Yeah.

[00:13:57.820] - Ebony Gilbert

And I'd be ashamed if anyone knew that I was saying these things to myself.

[00:14:02.160] - Carri Richard

I have a friend who said, what if you had a speaker on your forehead? Like, how would you feel if people could hear what was going on?

[00:14:11.120] - Ebony Gilbert

Not good.

[00:14:14.420] - Carri Richard

Well, if anybody can relate, you're not alone.

[00:14:18.740] - Ebony Gilbert

And I'll tell you, you ask, when did that happen? I relocated from Tennessee to North Carolina in late summer of 2019, and I didn't know anyone. It was a move for for work, and I didn't have any friends. And there was a period of time that I felt very lonely. Very lonely. So talk to myself. Don't judge me. Talk to myself sometimes out loud sometimes. And I realized the rhetoric, the conversations I was having with me weren't making me feel any better. It just wasn't. And I thought, now I don't want to be my own cheerleader. That's not what I'm implying. But how can I just be a little more kind to myself? And I didn't say it at the time. It's not like I woke up and said, I'm going to show myself grace today. That didn't happen. It was more along the lines of instead of saying you're never going to meet anybody, you're too old, you're to this, you're too that, you're too busy. You don't like to go to places to meet people. How are you going to do this? I had every reason, a lot of butts I want to meet people, but yeah, I would like to make some friends, but I'm nice, but all those things.

[00:15:41.810] - Ebony Gilbert

And instead of doing that, I started just switching those words. Ebony, you're a pretty cool person. And with time it will happen the same way it happened before. I've moved several times the same way and I started just encouraging myself. And that encouragement. I gave myself some grace. I gave it some time, I gave myself some patience. And then COVID happened. And I realized that all those things sounded ridiculous, even more so because now I'm never going to need anybody. And I went right back to that place where I was trying to get away from. But with time that all got better. And I think the major catalyst for how I was feeling on the inside and how that manifested what was happening on the outside had to do with the words I started using with me. Yeah, super powerful and that's the biggest. Now I also went through a period of time where I started saying I am healed. Yes, I am blessed. God loves me even if I don't know why today, didn't deserve it today. But he still loves me. I'm not alone. I'm not the only one in the world who feels this way.

[00:16:54.250] - Ebony Gilbert

I'm not strange, I'm not this, I'm not that. But even more to the affirmative, I am special. I am blessed. I am part of a larger community. So it was a gradual switch. It was a switch from the negative. And then I went to the I am not statements to help myself. And I realized that's not even the bees knees. I can take it a step further. What am I? How does he see me? Because if I can see myself just a little bit like how he sees me, I'll feel better in this situation.

[00:17:24.880] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. And be open to what's here.

[00:17:28.480] - Ebony Gilbert

Absolutely.

[00:17:29.680] - Carri Richard

Yeah. And that idea, I love that progression of acknowledgment like wow, this is not very kind rhetoric I got going on here. And actually our minds, our brains, we will tend to be able to more easily say what things are not what we don't want, all of that. That's totally natural. So if you're beginning to switch this conversation inside your head to go to I'm not alone, I'm not going to be alone forever, whatever. I'm not this, I'm not that. And then to your point, find the positive for it. It is so powerful. I don't know if I touched on this before, but I had stress for me, or I would run and run and run until my whole body broke down. That was my, like, literally run or like, the busyness. The busyness? Yes, the busyness. I would just keep going and going and going, and I had no discernment to be kind to myself. Right. And so I had all kinds of illnesses, blah, blah, blah. I spent things, weird things, not weird things. And I finally got to the place of I'm not available for that. I'm not available. And then it became, I'm so thankful.

[00:19:06.320] - Carri Richard

Thank you for my strong, healthy, vibrant body. Whether it was strong, healthy, or vibrant because it was coming, thank you for it. Thank you for this vibrant vessel. And I'm here to say it is not often that I even have a cold these days.

[00:19:27.390] - Ebony Gilbert

Look at there.

[00:19:28.350] - Carri Richard

Yeah. And I know it's because I'm being thankful for what's here and naming it.

[00:19:36.990] - Ebony Gilbert

You got on your gratitude glasses.

[00:19:39.090] - Carri Richard

Yes, ma'am. Yes. Is it okay if I say yes, ma'am? Does that bother you?

[00:19:44.330] - Ebony Gilbert

It does not.

[00:19:45.420] - Carri Richard

Okay.

[00:19:46.250] - Ebony Gilbert

Should it?

[00:19:47.250] - Carri Richard

No. I say that because when I was younger, I waitressed, and if people called me ma'am at that point in time, I was a lot younger. I really took offense to that. So anyway, I like being offended at all.

[00:20:01.630] - Ebony Gilbert

Okay.

[00:20:04.820] - Carri Richard

You touched on something in one of the tones of something you said was good luck with that. And that's sarcasm.

[00:20:15.310] - Ebony Gilbert

It is.

[00:20:17.720] - Carri Richard

So do we want to talk about that for a second? I do.

[00:20:24.440] - Ebony Gilbert

Yeah. It's disingenuous when I say good luck with that. I'm going to go with at least 50% of the time, I'm thinking, that's not going to work.

[00:20:35.020] - Carri Richard

Right.

[00:20:35.810] - Ebony Gilbert

And now I'm being disingenuous. I'm not being authentic, particularly if I'm talking to someone that I care about, and I want you to be successful with this thing. This isn't to say that somebody needs my opinion, because they don't. But if I'm being asked my opinion or my thoughts on something, and my response is, good luck with that, that's not fair. That's not kind. And perhaps it's because I don't understand what you're trying to accomplish. Maybe it's an opportunity to say, well, tell me more, or how can I help you? Or Will you need any help? How can I support you through this? I think it's an open door for a conversation that I have closed way too many times. The blanket statement of good luck with that forward. And I don't even know how it makes the other person feel, but I can't imagine it feels good. And I felt convicted about it one day. I was like, I don't want to say that anymore. But I'm not implying that every time somebody says it to me, that's what they mean. This is how I feel when I say it. And I don't like how it makes me feel, because I don't want anyone to walk away with the possibility of, she doesn't believe I can do this.

[00:21:46.440] - Ebony Gilbert

She doesn't believe me. She's not supporting me, or she thinks that my idea is stupid or anything like that. That's not what I want to feel. I want to understand better, and instead of me using the appropriate number of words to say, I want to understand better so I can know how to help or support or play my part, it's easier in the hustle and bustle and the busyness of things to say. Good luck with that. It's convenient.

[00:22:10.460] - Carri Richard

Yeah.

[00:22:11.580] - Ebony Gilbert

And I don't know if communication can be convenient all the time, not when you're really trying to establish connection and foster relationship. And it reminds me of in this moment not all the time, but in this moment when I'm praying, sometimes I'm in a rush, and I'll have my little quick, as if I can't pray and walk at the same time, but I'll have my little moments of, oh, God help bless it, and he knows my heart. I don't have to use a lot of words with God, but I think sometimes a little bit more is warranted.

[00:22:45.080] - Carri Richard

Yeah.

[00:22:47.000] - Ebony Gilbert

It's the putting it all on the line. It's the complete surrender. And I got to use more words than to help. That's sufficient when that's all I have. But when I have more, I've got to give a little bit more. And I just try to be mindful. I don't know if I'm always careful. I'm pretty sure I don't always get it right. But I try to be mindful of how I'm talking to myself, I'm talking to others, how I'm communicating with God, because I'm really interested in fostering these relationships that are fruitful for both of us.

[00:23:19.990] - Carri Richard

Yeah, absolutely.

[00:23:21.040] - Ebony Gilbert

And I can't do that if I'm leaving. You wondering what my thoughts are. I don't want to be mysterious. I used to think the enigmatic was cool. Now I'm like, say what you mean and mean what you say and don't say it mean. Be kind about it. Yeah. It's kind of where my head is. I'm happy we're having this conversation. I had a situation just a couple of days ago in the last 24 to 48 hours where had to approach someone who said something that could have been taken either way. I didn't know if it was rude or not. I didn't know if they were trying to be sarcastic or not. I didn't know. So I asked, hey, what did you mean by that? Are you upset? Was it a slam against me? What was it? And the person went off, they fired off, which confirmed that it was in a negative way and unfortunately had to sever that tie. It was in a workplace setting, and there's just some rules of engagement that you have to follow, and I've been reflecting on that for the last 24 hours. What went wrong in that communication stream?

[00:24:39.600] - Ebony Gilbert

What words were used that painted the picture that maybe was undesirable, maybe wasn't even intended? How did I contribute to this? I've been evaluating it in my mind, and I don't know the answer to those questions, but I do know that the words, it wasn't the mistake, it wasn't the actions, it wasn't the misstep, it was the words that followed that caused the problem. And I just thought, Whoa, that's pretty powerful. It's pretty powerful. And I think how grace works. Grace is the kind word. Grace is the blanket covering even when the misfeed has occurred, even when the mistake has happened. What words, what labels, what explanation, what phrasing do you layer on top of it to make it better or worse or just to call a spade a spade? In this particular example, it was made worse by the words that came afterwards. And I don't want to do that. I don't want to be caught in that scenario where I'm speaking before thinking or being impulsive and saying the wrong thing. And I think that's part of how we give grace to other folks.

[00:26:00.920] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. Words are destructive. There's all kinds of studies that say for every negative. Like, if I were to say something negative to you in our relationship, it would take I don't know if it's five or seven don't quote me on it. Like, five or seven positive things to even neutralize that.

[00:26:24.850] - Ebony Gilbert

Really?

[00:26:25.570] - Carri Richard

So that's how powerful you can just rip open a relationship or a connection by the words that you speak. It's how everything was created with the word.

[00:26:39.890] - Ebony Gilbert

With the word in the beginning was the word.

[00:26:42.670] - Carri Richard

Yeah. So we have this capacity to create and to destroy very swiftly.

[00:26:53.060] - Ebony Gilbert

Absolutely.

[00:26:54.040] - Carri Richard

And we also have this capacity to remove ourselves from the responsibility of things like with the word try or with the word, like, I feel angry. Like, I am angry, or I am sad. Like, own it. Oh, there's so much we could do. Like like a couple podcasts on this, but part two. Yeah, part two. You know, another another thing that I had to learn, I was in I was not the most healthy camper for a while. I made some very poor choices. I think I've touched on some of them. Probably I'll touch on more as we go because I'm an open book, but I put myself in some situations that weren't really great, and there was not a lot of positivity going on in the whole scenario. And I didn't feel very good about myself at all. I had a pretty poor just self esteem. I don't even know what you call it? Self worth, whatever. And I had to practice encouragement, like words of encouragement and appreciation. They were not coming naturally. I was pretty spiritually bankrupt. And so it's like, notice one thing you like about yourself. I like the color of my eyes.

[00:28:36.760] - Carri Richard

And as I began to practice that, it's also learning how to give encouragement. Oh, my gosh. It was so powerful. I got to host a retreat this last weekend. There were 23 people there, so at one point we had paired off. The other 22 people paired off and looked at each other. It was like on the second day, and it was like, please share something you appreciate about this other person. So I'm sitting there witnessing. I'm watching this happen. I can't hear any of the words. They're all paired up. We're in a big circle, but I'm watching, like, it looked like flowers blooming. You could watch this connection between the people and smiles and hugs, and just like I can feel it just talking about it. And that is the power that we have in our mouths.

[00:29:32.540] - Ebony Gilbert

Absolutely. That's good. It can shift the entire atmosphere in.

[00:29:42.640] - Carri Richard

A heartbeat one way or the other.

[00:29:46.780] - Ebony Gilbert

So, Keiri Richard, I like the color of your eyes too.

[00:29:50.570] - Carri Richard

Thank you. Ebony Gilbert.

[00:29:52.860] - Ebony Gilbert

How about that? How about that? This is good. I think we will do a part two at some point in time because there's so much more we can dig into and talk about, really go a little bit deeper in it. I think it's important that we use our words wisely.

[00:30:12.900] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. And I Ebony, I really appreciate the focus that I'm going to take from here of really paying attention to the words. I speak to myself and be kind.

[00:30:31.100] - Ebony Gilbert

Be kind. Show grace. Yes, show grace. And I think another thing we could talk about some other time is how do we receive words from people when they are uplifting and they are encouraging us? Do we immediately shut down? Do we just put it on mute because we don't agree with it? So how do we give words to others and how do we receive them?

[00:30:53.220] - Carri Richard

Yeah. Yes.

[00:30:55.780] - Ebony Gilbert

Do we do one of these not talking to me.

[00:31:00.150] - Carri Richard

That's no bueno. Yes. So if somebody has a kind word for you, please just say thank you.

[00:31:10.920] - Ebony Gilbert

Thank you.

[00:31:11.320] - Carri Richard

Even if it's uncomfortable, just thank you. Yeah. Let it in.

[00:31:17.800] - Ebony Gilbert

The next time you're in the grocery store or you're in the mall and you like somebody's shoes, tell them.

[00:31:24.460] - Carri Richard

Watch what happens.

[00:31:25.870] - Ebony Gilbert

Watch what happens. Or that person who's helping you with something, you're at a restaurant, and the person goes above and beyond to give you amazing customer service, tell them. Say it. We don't know what kind of day they're having.

[00:31:40.080] - Carri Richard

Absolutely.

[00:31:40.670] - Ebony Gilbert

We don't know what's going on. Your one word, your one kind word has the power to switch it around. And just maybe, just maybe, when you're having your down moment, somebody will come and say something that switches you around, and then we'll say something to God about thank you.

[00:32:00.840] - Carri Richard

Yes.

[00:32:02.040] - Ebony Gilbert

Thank you for the grace that flows. It's so transcendent. Doesn't it mean it just it just ripples. It's a stone in the pond.

[00:32:10.200] - Carri Richard

Absolutely. So drop your stones as you're going right.

[00:32:14.570] - Ebony Gilbert

And let it ripple. Yes, let it ripple. I like it. You want to wrap us up?

[00:32:21.490] - Carri Richard

Oh, my gosh. You're so good at it.

[00:32:23.650] - Ebony Gilbert

No, I beat you to it. I got you this time. Thanks.

[00:32:27.600] - Carri Richard

Yeah. Thank you so much. Again, another just I so appreciate this time and again to talk about this subject. Yeah. Words are super powerful. Not only the words that we offer others, but I would say after this, especially the words we offer ourselves. And an encouragement to be kind, to appreciate, to practice.

[00:33:07.020] - Ebony Gilbert

Practice.

[00:33:08.230] - Carri Richard

Yes. Practice, practice, practice. It's contagious, truly.

[00:33:15.340] - Ebony Gilbert

I love it.

[00:33:18.460] - Carri Richard

All right, I think we're going to go now.

[00:33:20.910] - Ebony Gilbert

All right, now. I appreciate you.

[00:33:22.920] - Carri Richard

I appreciate you, too. Grace out.

[00:33:25.460] - Ebony Gilbert

Thank you all. Grace out. Bye.