Grace Among Us

05 - Misconceptions about Grace

August 04, 2022 Carri Adcock and Ebony C. Gilbert Episode 5
Grace Among Us
05 - Misconceptions about Grace
Show Notes Transcript

In today’s episode of Grace Among Us, we share about our biggest misconceptions about grace. What grace is and what it is not. What arrived as well is the relationship between grace and forgiveness. 

So, if you’ve ever considered that you know all about grace, tune in to hear you may be right or you may be surprised! 

Here’s a glance at the episode:

1.    Grace is free and doesn't require one to do something to get it. But in real life, she finds himself leaning on concepts like karma and reap what we sow. She has a hard time disconnecting the reaping and sowing and karmic aspects of life from the true free gift of grace and that's a daily struggle for him if she does good then good will come. If she shows grace, then it'll come back to her and that might be true but if she never showed, exhibited, or demonstrated these things that she’s trying to do, she would still have access to grace. So, it's an active misconception that she works through daily.

2.    Carri’s biggest misconception is that someday she is going to make a big mistake and that she’ll never see Grace again. It's very much along the same lines but that fear is the limitation, or it might not even be the limitation. It might be the other side that she is so powerful that she could choose something that would eliminate grace from her life and that is the biggest lie. 

3.    Ebony mentions, that she doesn't think one can have true forgiveness without grace. The beautiful thing about forgiveness is, that the ultimate forgiving sacrifice was made long before we came so that we would not have to be in this keeping score situation and she is pretty thankful for that. We can see grace and receive it freely without any condition.

 Thank you so much for joining us today. We hope you're leaving with another pointer to grace, and a new perspective that will light it up in your own life. If you enjoyed this episode, please let us know at community@grace-among-us.com; we would love to hear your questions, suggestions, and/or comments. Don’t forget to share it with a friend. Also, please be sure to subscribe so you're notified when a new episode is posted. Until next time, be well, be blessed, be bold, and be kind to yourself.

Narrator  00:02

Welcome to Grace Among Us, the podcast where we unearth the many faces and places of grace and share stories of the power of grace in our human lives. Our desire is that this will inspire you to see grace in your own life and share it with others.


Carri Adcock  00:18

My name is Carri Adcock, I'm a mentor with a passion for showing high achievers how to make space and enjoy the ride so that they can make the impact their heart desires with their life back. And I absolutely love hanging out with Ebony and talking about grace. It is, by far, one of my favorite topics. So how about we get to it, Ebony.


Ebony C. Gilbert  00:18

This is Ebony Gilbert and I am participating in the Grace Among Us podcast. By day, I work for corporate America, in healthcare. And in my spare time, I like to hang out we Carri Adcock and discuss grace.


Carri Adcock  00:58

What has been your biggest misconception about grace?


Ebony C. Gilbert  01:05

What has been my biggest misconception about grace? That makes it sound like a past tense thing that is now resolved. And I'm going to answer it in the present tense because sometimes what I know in my mind doesn't translate into my daily thoughts. I've always been taught that grace is free. It doesn't require you to do something to get it. It's not contingent on your behavior, or you can't earn it. Now, I know that in my mind, but in real life, I find myself leaning on concepts like karma, and reap what you sow. While those concepts are very true for me, and I believe them, I don't think they have much to do with grace. And I have a hard time disconnecting the reaping and sowing and karma aspect of life from the true free gift of grace. And that's a daily struggle for me, that if I do good, good will come. If I show grace, then it'll come back to me. And that might be true. But if I never showed it, if I never exhibited or demonstrated these things that I'm trying to do, I would still have access to grace. And it's easy for me to say that and to know it in my mind, to feel it and live it. This simple idea that good stuff can come to someone so undeserving, or that such an unworthy being doesn't have to do these good works to receive it. That's so counterintuitive in my spirit sometimes. So it's an active misconception that I work through daily. And I'm thankful for it. Because then I don't have to worry about every time I make a mistake, I've forfeited my next dose of grace, right?


Carri Adcock  03:18

Right.


Ebony C. Gilbert  03:20

But it's active daily in my life, if I'm being totally honest, Whoa, big transparent moment. I just heard myself talking and now I want to rewind and change my answer to be something a little more pleasant, but that's the truth.


Carri Adcock  03:34

That's a beautiful...it's a beautiful picture. I love that you said, "I can't earn grace." There is no there is no scorecard with grace. And as you said, I don't even have to do good things to receive grace. And what came to mind is: "Amazing Grace that saved a wretch like me." It's almost...I'd almost go so far to say grace comes to me before I've ever done anything to earn it.


Ebony C. Gilbert  04:15

Mm-hmm. Right. It's unconditional. And I've worked so hard for so many things that, in my mind, I've got to work for this, too. And that's just not how unconditional love, grace, the gift of grace, now how it works. But I have to reconcile that daily.


Carri Adcock  04:43

And how do you do that?


Ebony C. Gilbert  04:47

When the anxiety creeps up, I have to push it back down. I have to speak to it. I have to literally say, "No, that's not how that works." I'm going to continue to try to do good. I'm going to continue to try to sow good seeds. I'm going to continue to put good things into the world. But it's not because I want grace in return. It's because it's just the right thing to do. So, it's not that the thought is a bad thought, it's not a bad feeling to want to do good. It's just not a dependent variable in me receiving grace. So I have to literally say it, I have to hear myself saying, I have to have these conversations to make sure I'm not on some island alone, beating myself up for feeling this way. I mean, that's part of the mission here, right? To have community so you don't feel alone in these moments when you know your thoughts aren't connecting to the facts. 


Carri Adcock  05:49

Yeah. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  05:50

And there's a disconnect. So it's an active daily speaking to it, addressing it, changing the record player that's continuously going in my head.


Carri Adcock  06:02

Yeah, I don't know if this is a fact, but in my experience, humans love to assign meaning to everything.


Ebony C. Gilbert  06:13

Because you want to keep a score. 


Carri Adcock  06:15

Exactly. Because if I can keep score, or if I can put this in a box, or if I can see if I do this, then this happens, then I have some sort of control and I feel safe. And grace, you can not wrestle grace to the ground and put it in a box. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  06:42

It's so true.


Carri Adcock  06:43

Yeah, it doesn't attach itself to "If I do this, then you get that." And, man, I'd love it to! As you were talking, and when you said, "I'd like to rewind and put these words back," it's like, "Oh, heck no, please! Are you reading my mind?" I mean, it is getting caught up in that in the worldly idea that if I do this, then I receive this. And grace is like, "Uh-uh. No."


Ebony C. Gilbert  07:17

It insults the very source of grace, that there's something so great that I could do to deserve this. There's nothing I could do on this planet that would ever justify the amount of love and grace God has shown me. There's nothing, there's no act that I can do. There's no demonstration that I can try. So once I get into that reality and that truth, then I'm immediately propelled into gratitude. You can't help but be gracious, and to have thanks in your heart where you realize "I really did nothing to deserve this level of love and grace, I just didn't." And my only reasonable response at that point, once I've gone 'round the drain and I've gone to Timbuktu and back with all my thoughts, once I land in that spot, I'm so grateful. The only appropriate thing is to say, "Thank you."


Carri Adcock  08:16

Absolutely.


Ebony C. Gilbert  08:17

What's your biggest misconception, past tense or present?


Carri Adcock  08:20

Ohhh...you blew it out of the water. So I've got to get quiet for a minute. You know, it's along the same lines. But my biggest misconception is that someday I'm going to make a mistake that's so big that I'll never see grace again. It's very much along the same lines, but that fear that it's the limitation, or--it might not even be the limitation; it might be the other side of that: "I'm so powerful that I could choose something that would eliminate grace from my life." And that is the biggest lie. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  09:24

Yeah, absolutely. 


Carri Adcock  09:26

Now that doesn't give me free rein to go: "Well, grace ain't going anywhere so it's a free-for-all."


Ebony C. Gilbert  09:42

Leave a trail of destruction and calamity. No problem.


Carri Adcock  09:45

"Come on, grace, come on along." Yeah, it definitely doesn't lead to that, but that idea can keep me real small.


Ebony C. Gilbert  10:04

Has there been anything you've done in your past, and I don't want you to tell me what it is, but is there anything that comes to mind that was so bad, and you thought, "Surely grace is going to leave me now" and it didn't? Well, we know it didn't. But can you think of that something in your mind?


Carri Adcock  10:28

Oh, yeah, absolutely.


Ebony C. Gilbert  10:31

How long did it take you before you realized, "Hey, it's still here!"?


Carri Adcock  10:36

Oh, my gosh. I think grace was there all along but for me to realize and actually be open enough to receive grace, it took a little while. Because the other--I don't know how to put this in words--grace is always here and it's always available, and I can be blind to it. And that is all my own doing. Now, I can't make it disappear forever, but I can be blind to it. And then you know what happens? What happened is: "I don't deserve it. Oh my gosh, I can't believe this happened. I can't believe where I am. What the heck am I doing? Why am I here?" All of this. Being blind to grace, you know what grace did? It got louder. And it kept getting louder until I got out of my own way. And let some in.


Ebony C. Gilbert  12:03

It just kept knocking at the door, huh?


Carri Adcock  12:08

Mm-hmm. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  12:12

That's pretty awesome. That's the beautiful thing about grace. You can ignore the doorbell if you want to; it's going to knock.


Carri Adcock  12:19

You can hide behind the door. You can close all the windows.


Ebony C. Gilbert  12:25

It'll keep showing up.


Carri Adcock  12:26

And here's the beautiful thing: grace doesn't keep score! Grace doesn't care if you shut the door in its face over and over. It's like, "Well, I'll see you next time. That's fine."


Ebony C. Gilbert  12:50

That's good. That's good. So for that, along those lines for that thing you had in your mind that was the biggest mistake you've ever made, the worst thing you've done. You had to forgive yourself. You have to. Did you? Did you? Did you forgive yourself?


Carri Adcock  13:17

That's a good question.


Ebony C. Gilbert  13:21

Well, don't answer it yet. Don't answer it yet.


Carri Adcock  13:24

Okay. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  13:25

What's the relationship between grace and forgiveness? Or is there a relationship?


Carri Adcock  13:38

You know, if I think back to the time that we're talking about, what comes to mind is that there is no forgiveness without grace. Like me, human, me, human all-by-myself me? I don't have the power to forgive myself. I don't have the power to forgive anybody. Now I can want to, but for me without grace, I want to hold on. I want to hold on to the "they did this, so therefore" or "I didn't do this" or "I did this" and we come all the way back around to what you began with that I can't earn grace. I didn't do anything to have grace. And grace is the thing that turns the key in my heart to let go of whatever it is that is keeping me from forgiving.


Ebony C. Gilbert  15:08

That's interesting. So in the absence of grace, forgiveness is still keeping a scorecard.


Carri Adcock  15:17

Yes, absolutely.


Ebony C. Gilbert  15:20

I'm still trying to make it make sense. I've got to tell you, if I'm honest, there have been situations where I thought to myself, "I have no reason to forgive you. None. And I'm going to take it a step further and be angry at myself for forgiving you all those other times. So now I don't forgive you. And I don't forgive me. And there's no forgiveness." And then grace steps in and says, "Wait a minute. Wait a minute, we're not keeping score. What if God kept score on your problems and your issues and every time you messed up? And this isn't conditional, it's not how it works." Now, this is not a free pass for a trail of destruction and calamity, of course. But I totally agree with you, Carri. I totally agree. I don't think you can have true forgiveness, true forgiveness that turns and forgets. 


Carri Adcock  16:28

Yes. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  16:30

Without the veil of grace, you can't have it.


Carri Adcock  16:34

I can't see, I don't have the eyes to see that. I don't have the eyes to look at a person that I either harmed and did something, you know, to look at them and be able to forgive myself without the eyes of grace. Or, if I felt like I was harmed by them, to look at them, and be able to see them as God sees him. Just another kid in the kingdom. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  17:11

Yeah. 


Carri Adcock  17:13

And there's a lot of freedom in that.


Ebony C. Gilbert  17:17

There really is, but it's not easy. I'm the kind of person who walks up to a barrel of apples, and they can be the prettiest, freshest apples that were just picked, and I'm going to find that one with the spot.


Carri Adcock  17:30

I knew you were going to say that...the one with the worm.


Ebony C. Gilbert  17:33

I am going to find that one with the worm. And I'm going to say, "The whole batch is ruined because we got this one in here with the worm." That's just my natural inclination. Now I've gotten pretty good at hearing that thought it immediately addressing it, immediately redirecting it, immediately reframing it, but it's going to come.


Carri Adcock  17:55

I hear you. So, let's stay with the apple. You look at this beautiful basket of apples, and you see the one with the squishy spot. And there might be a worm coming out of it.


Ebony C. Gilbert  18:05

Maybe I going to see whether it's there or not. 


Carri Adcock  18:08

There you go. Oh, I love it. Even better. And then it all raises up, that whole story. "Oh, they're all bad." What do you say to yourself?


Ebony C. Gilbert  18:22

I, again, a little transparency, I have to take it out. Now, in this example, this metaphor, I have to remove the apple. But in a real life sense, I have to pluck out that thought. I have to remove it and I have to toss it to the side. Because just like that one bad apple doesn't make the whole crate bad, that one bad thought doesn't make me all bad. And I have to forgive myself in that moment and go back to my foundation of grace and love and forgiveness. And I have to see it differently. Now I have my sunglasses on of grace and I see that this is beautiful. This is good. This is pure. This was for me; this was prepared for me. And I have to think that way about myself so I can believe myself. That one thought was bad, but I am good. Because God made me in his image and he wouldn't have made junk. So I have to give these self-affirmations to myself the same way I have to deal with the apples, but I'm still going to see that apple. And I'm going to see that worm, whether it's there or not. And I'm going to have that thought, and I want to make it much worse than it is. And I'm going to convince myself that I'm the only one in the room who thinks it.


Carri Adcock  19:45

Oh, yes. Of course.


Ebony C. Gilbert  19:46

And what's wrong with me? Is this part of childhood trauma? I'm going to analyze it and think about it and try to figure out where it's coming from. And the truth of the matter is: Just pluck it out. Remove it, toss it, and then you can see the beauty. I'd like to get to a point where I don't even have to remove it. I don't even see it. Wouldn't that'd be great...


Carri Adcock  20:11

It would be lovely.


Ebony C. Gilbert  20:12

...if my I didn't immediately go to the mushy apple? I'm not there yet.


Carri Adcock  20:21

Sounds like prayer, though. Sounds like it. Sounds like an ask.


Ebony C. Gilbert  20:25

Yeah, for sure. Because I am not there. Uh-uh.


Carri Adcock  20:31

And that's grace, too. It's beautiful. This is the stuff I love to do. I love to hear about your bad apple that you see coming from a mile away, right?


Ebony C. Gilbert  20:42

A mile away. 


Carri Adcock  20:43

Absolutely. And I love to hear it because it's like: "Oh, me, too. Yes, yes." Yes, I get that. Is that part of being human? 


Ebony C. Gilbert  20:53

Yeah!


Carri Adcock  20:53

Like, am I okay?


Ebony C. Gilbert  20:56

Carri, that bad apple has pompoms and whistles and it is calling my name. "Ebony, see me! See me!" And I'm like, "Be quiet. I don't want to see you. I'm trying to be good."


Carri Adcock  21:08

You know what, and I loved how you've talked about the analysis and kind of went down the path. And when grace comes in, it's like, "Who cares? Who cares why I see it?" But I do. And now I can do something about it. "You know what? I'm not accepting your invitation, thank you very much. It's been real." And I going to look over these other apples and maybe have one. 


Ebony C. Gilbert  21:34

Yeah. Yeah, because if I shook this basket just a little bit, I wouldn't have even seen it. 


Carri Adcock  21:40

Ohh...


Ebony C. Gilbert  21:41

I wouldn't have even seen it because the beauty of everything else would have covered that. 


Carri Adcock  21:48

Mm-hmm.


Ebony C. Gilbert  21:50

And I can go in a whole other direction with that metaphor. But you know, when you choose to fix your focus, you wouldn't even see the other stuff.


Carri Adcock  21:59

Absolutely. And that's very much part of the intention of talking about grace here. I want to point to it in every direction, every possible direction, because whoever's listening may say, "Oh, I know that. I know what that looks like." And once they start to see it in one place, it's going to be like the car you buy, and you see it everywhere on the road.


Ebony C. Gilbert  22:24

Mm-hmm. Mother's Day is coming up and grocery stores have the most beautiful flowers, and I'm a sucker for a floral department. I love them. But just like those stinking apples, I'm going to find the one mum, the one flower, that sucks. "Why did they put this out? It's making all the rest of them look bad." As opposed to, "This department is gorgeous. There are so many colors. There's so much life. There's so much flourishing here. Oh, look...one didn't make it. It's okay." That's not how I see it, though, you know?


Carri Adcock  23:10

At first.


Ebony C. Gilbert  23:11

At first, and then the little minions come and they march and they go: "No, don't do it, Ebony! Refrain! Refrain! Refrain!" And I have that conversation with myself. And then everything's beautiful again. But oh, it's so interesting and I'm so glad we're talking about it because these conversations, to your point, make you feel a little less isolated. A little less crazy about the things that go on in your own head that we never talk about, right? 


Carri Adcock  23:39

Mm-hmm.


Ebony C. Gilbert  23:41

Because nobody wants to be a cynic, not at this age.


Carri Adcock  23:46

Oh, unicorns and rainbows, right?


Ebony C. Gilbert  23:48

Absolutely. Absolutely. If only that were true.


Carri Adcock  23:54

So, Ebony, did you get to answer what the relationship is between grace and forgiveness?


Ebony C. Gilbert  24:03

I'm right there with you. I'm right there with you. I don't think you can have true forgiveness without grace. You can try. I've tried. But the issue is it was temporary. Because the next time a similar offense was made, I was right back in that zone that I thought I had forgiven the individual for, you know?


Carri Adcock  24:27

I do. And can I interrupt for a second? 


Ebony C. Gilbert  24:31

Yeah. 


Carri Adcock  24:32

Because that is a great point. That if you're revisiting something that you think you've forgiven, how about inviting grace in?


Ebony C. Gilbert  24:42

If you want sustainability.


Carri Adcock  24:44

Yeah. I know you can't lasso it and pull it in. But you can say, "You know what, God, I need a little grace here. So when you're ready, bring it."


Ebony C. Gilbert  24:59

I think grace will also speak to you in a way so you know when it's time to walk away. So you know when it's time to let go. So, this isn't a free pass to continue being in the same cycle, because that's not what it is. It's just an opportunity to let go of the things that carry us down, the things that are heavy weights on our shoulders, because we're trying to hold on to them and we've got to let that stuff go. Whether you're forgiving yourself or forgiving someone else. Show a little grace, a lot where necessary. Receive some. Yeah, so I totally agree with your answer. I'm right there with you.


Carri Adcock  25:42

Awesome, I would love to...it sparked something for another podcast of: Grace isn't always like, "Ahhh, everything feels better because grace is here." Sometimes grace is going to push you to do something. I'd like to look at that one day.


Ebony C. Gilbert  26:15

Yeah, that would be cool to talk about a little bit. I mean, it doesn't always feel, in the moment, it's not always going to feel intuitive. Do it anyway. 


Carri Adcock  26:25

Mm-hmm.


Ebony C. Gilbert  26:28

Do it anyway. Whoa, that's good.


Carri Adcock  26:36

That is good. Any other thoughts about the misconception, or the relationship, or just grace in general?


Ebony C. Gilbert  26:53

I don't think so. Of course, I have thoughts. They never stop. But I think for the purpose of what we're discussing today, I think we've covered it. You know, the beautiful thing about forgiveness is, you know, the ultimate forgiving sacrifice was made long before we came so that we would not have to be in this keeping-score situation. And for that, I'm pretty grateful and thankful for that. We can see grace and receive it freely without condition, without having to earn it. So at the end of the day, that's what I remind myself of. There was a score, there was a price, and it was paid in full. So there's no reason for me to keep revisiting it, you know? 


Carri Adcock  27:40

Absolutely.


Ebony C. Gilbert  27:41

And then that helps my logic a little bit more.


Carri Adcock  27:43

Absolutely. I love the word "tendency." It's a word I use often these days, and I have a tendency to keep score, I have a tendency to think I'm not enough, that I have to be something more before I can have grace in my life. And so if there's anybody out there who has that tendency as well, I encourage you to be curious and open to seeing how grace may ambush you this week.


Ebony C. Gilbert  28:21

Yeah, absolutely. Look for it daily. 


Carri Adcock  28:23

Yeah.


Ebony C. Gilbert  28:25

God's grace is sufficient on a daily basis. It's not something you only see on Saturdays when you're out and about, you know? That's good. Well, we're going to do this again?


Carri Adcock  28:37

Yes, we are. If you're willing, I'm willing.


Ebony C. Gilbert  28:41

Of course. 


Carri Adcock  28:42

Oh, good. Well, it's been awesome. Thank you. Thanks for showing up.


Ebony C. Gilbert  28:48

Thank you. All right, grace out.


Carri Adcock  28:54

All right, grace out.


Ebony C. Gilbert  28:56

Next time.


Carri Adcock  29:01

Yes.


Narrator  29:01

Thank you so much for joining us. If you enjoyed this episode, please let us know. We'd love to hear from you, and share it with a friend. Also, please be sure to subscribe so you're notified when a new episode is posted. We hope you're leaving with another pointer to grace, a new perspective that will light it up in your own life. Until next time, be well, be bold, be kind to yourself, and be on the lookout.